Scintillations and Vacillations

I used to be a crybaby, like I would always be my uncles' favorite person to mess with, because I'm a kid who'd cry a waterfall. My parents are pissed about it because, you know it, Filipino parents hate it when their male eldest son is a crybaby, because that male eldest son is expected to be next-in-rank to the father and he's supposedly tough, gritty, and strong. That's not what I am though. I was actually surprised when my mother told my sister that I was really tough. I thought it was a wrong perception of what I really feel --- I just try to hide my issues to myself because they would ask me to do so anyway and ask me further to toughen up, to fight regardless. It indeed was a tough act. But I don't feel that I've toughened up by doing such. I just don't trust anyone would pay attention and just invalidate all my struggles, that my struggles are far too shallow compared to the poverty they've been into and all.  Workplace is even worse. I have ...

Two more nights and a day before weekend. I can't sleep due to the remaining caffeine content in my body while constantly thinking about how early I should wake up for one more grind for the week. So I ate a bit, and had some chamomile tea to calm my nerves. This has been my routine. Five days of grueling work, of facing the computer for 8 or more hours, of making decisions, of crafting paragraphs after paragraphs, of the anxiety of having seen how much more work has to be done on my output, of more issues, meetings, drama... I can't state accurately how the bump and grind of those whole few hours of being tied to goalposts and get a few hours of freedom - - - and probably the word "freedom" is synonymous to sleep now, which I lack. Two more nights and one more day. A cup of chamomile tea. Relax, Jerome. You will get where you really wanna be soon.

(Pabatid: Nakikiusap po akong huwag kopyahin ang tula o anumang naisulat sa blog na ito na walang pahintulot mula sa may-ari. Ang post na ito, partikular, ay isa lamang burador at hindi pa nalalapatan ng anumang pagwawasto. Kung nais itong kopyahin, mangyaring magpadala ng email sa ajcmamaril@gmail.com. Salamat.) Ibinabalik ko na sa iyo ang ating mga larawan kasama ang mga panyo na ginamit mo upang pahiran ang aking pawis at luhang pilit mong pinahid upang ipakita ang ganda ng umaga kahit alam mong palubog na ang araw ng aking damdamin. Ibinabalik ko sa iyo ang ating mga larawan kasama ng mga gunita ng mga ngiti na sinundan ng mga pangil at mga kulog ng ating mga tinig na bumaybay tungo sa ating mga dugo mula sa ating mga tainga. At doo'y pumulandit ang ating mga dugo na dumurog sa ating mga laman at mga pangalan. Ibinabalik ko na sa iyo ang ating mga larawan at mga awiting naghayag ng ating mga sumpa na kumitil ng ating buhay sa bawat sambitla. Tapos na a...

Snake: I follow the will of the leader, no matter who's in charge Boss: People aren't the ones who dictate the missions. Snake: Then who does? Boss: The times. - Metal Gear Solid 3 ******* I have not done my reflections in the past, but I guess this is the perfect time to do it. Perfect because the series of things that have happened to me the past week was sort of life-changing. Is this post necessary? Not much, but try to scroll down and read. In the last few years of my life, a lot of people close to me tell me that I must "change" for the "better", and recently, I was involved in an argument where the other party pushes me to be like the latter. Of course I was mad about it because what that person wants is for me to become the opposite of who I am now. It will be a complete 180 degree turn. People will say that I must change because if you love the person, you must change for that person. For me that is repression, not unless ...

tikatik ng mga gamunggong patak mga sapatos na pumapalatak sa mga tubig na pinaghalong darak, dahak, halak, at iba pang di mawaring bagay na sana'y maitulak na lang palabas palabas ng kalsadang bumubulwak bumubulwak ang tubig mula sa kanal palabas. eskrimahan ng mga payong, banggaan ng mga balikat, talsikan ang mga bayong, sabay sabi ng paa mong pinupulikat: "huwag ka nang magpumilit, mababasa ka rin naman" patuloy ang halihaw ng tubig na itim sa kanal na babalik din sa aspal tong kal sada.

kulay berde na ba ang pula? naisip ko lang itanong nang banggain mo ang batang tumatawid para bumili ng ice tubig beating the red light ka, tsong, pero ikaw pa ang galit. may mali ba sa paningin mo? o nag-iba lang talaga ang kulay ng pananaw mo? kulay berde na nga ba ang pula? o baka dilaw? kasi iniisip mong hinuhuthutan ka ng pamilya ng pers-honor model student na batang binangga mo. tingin mo ang pera sa kanila'y mahalaga pa sa dugo. baka ibinibintang mo sa kanila ang pagkakaroon ng pananaw na kasing mali ng sa iyo. ilang ulit mo nang sinuway ang batas trapiko dahil lang sinasabi mong VIP dapat ang trato sa iyo kahit lasing ka pwede kang magmaneho basta ba bibigyan si ser ng balato. baligtad na nga ata ang mundo: ang pula, berde na para sa iyo at ang mali, itinama na ng tao.